Grand Theft Auto 4 – GTA 4 is the highest rated game on metacritic (a site that compiles reviews from all over) and is one of the best-received games of all time. I remember going down to Gamestop with my college friends at midnight and purchasing it when it came out only for us to be like, “ehh…this is okay.” I’ve been absolutely puzzled by this games critical acclaim ever sense.
The main “beef” I have with GTA 4 is that it added “realism”
to the franchise. Apparently realism means cars handling like big roller skates,
being pulled over for driving drunk, and having to hang out with your virtual
friends in the game. For a game that many critics called “perfect” I found
myself annoyed at these things and I also found the story to be pretty
mediocre.
I think in a game about being a maniac Russian immigrant set
lose on a fictional New York City the last thing I’d want to happen is to be
pulled over for drunk driving. Especially since the mechanic is the minute you
drink and get even near a police car they immediately know you’re driving drunk
and chase after you like you just beat an innocent bystander with a baseball
bat. Did the New York County Sheriffs Sponsor this game or something? Drive
drunk and they will know!
Even worse is when you progress through the game you start
to make friends and those friends want you to pick them up and take them to do
stupid things in the game. Seriously, the amount of time I wasted picking
someone up, taking them to play pool, darts, get drinks, and then dropping them
off is absurdly stupid. I’m playing a videogame if I wanted to be hanging out
with my friends, I’d go hang out with my friends. It’d be one thing if this
social mechanic isn’t an absolute bore to deal with but it’s just a total waste
of time.
Google Images
"You want to hang out, again? We just played darts yesterday, asshole"
Also, the graphics were made out to be some of the most
amazing graphics you’ll ever see. However, everything just kind of had a bland
look to it with grey and brown overtones. If that’s what realistic graphics
mean then I will take anything else. There were also tons of graphical glitches
and people popping in and out of building and cars.
It’s not that GTA 4 is not a very good game, because it is.
It’s just certainly not a masterpiece. It is very derivative of the previous
GTA’s and really not much in the game made ever me think, “Wow, I’m playing the
best game ever made.” It’s not the best game ever made and you’re a fool if you
think that.
Diablo III – This is one of the most controversial
videogames ever released and let me save you some time, it sucked. If Diablo
III was not a Blizzard game, and was not called Diablo, it would’ve received
atrocious reviews. It’s just a crappy game anyway you cut it.
The game is comprised of 4 Acts and only the 1st of
these Acts isn’t a completely rushed disaster. The story of the game not only
ruins pretty much every character they established in the 1st and 2nd
Diablo, but is painfully stupid and short. If you are someone who plays through
games quickly you’ll beat Diablo in about 12 hours. This is a game that’s been
talked about for over 10 years and you just beat it in 12 hours, way to go
Blizzard.
“That’s how the game’s designed though, you’re supposed to
play through it on all the difficultly levels to get better loot,” cry all the
blind Blizzard supporters. That’s just painfully stupid and there is simply no
excuse whatsoever for a game to have a really crappy story. If they wanted the
player to play through the game a bunch of times they should’ve made the story
tolerable or at least made the player be able to automatically skip the cut
scenes.
I managed to play through three of the four difficulty
levels in the game with my Barbarian named Dolph Lundgren. At the end of the
“Hell” difficulty Dolph was level 60 and ready to face the toughest difficulty
level, Inferno. Only Blizzard designed the game so that right around this time
good loot just stops dropping. I couldn’t even get half way through Act I on
the toughest difficulty because I didn’t have good enough gear to do so.
They did this in order to make more money off a rushed
completely crappy game to begin with. They wanted me to grind gold for hours
off monsters in order to buy good gear at the Auction House. Who the hell finds
that fun? What a freaking waste of time. I could opt to use my real money to
buy items at the Auction House as well, but that’s just disgusting.
This is not to mention that the Diablo III servers are
pieces of freaking crap. The game seemed to never work when I wanted it to work
and I felt like I was back on my Packard Bell in the 90’s when it was a serious
challenge to get games to work. They knew how many people were going to try to
play this game and completely failed to provide enough server space for people
to play it. Again, they were thinking about profits and not actually providing
a great game for people to play.
Google Images
Sorry, you cant play because we didn't spend enough money for servers
A cash grab is the only way to describe Diablo III. It’s a
stripped down and rushed version of the previous game that Blizzard wants you
to pump more money into than you’ve already paid. Diablo III not only doesn’t
deserve the praise it’s received, it deserves to have some sort of lawsuit
pressed against the company who created it.
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword – Calling this game
overrated will probably cause some Nintendo fan to sneak into my apartment and
attempt to murder me. Unfortunately, despite getting fantastic reviews across
the board, Skyward Sword is just kind of a crappy game. It’s the same Zelda
formula you’ve played for 10 years; meaning the story is painfully stupid, the
characters are painfully annoying, and it doesn’t have voice acting. Oh, and
motion controls are still a really bad idea.
Seriously, someone has to explain how anyone could call this
game a “masterpiece.” Even when it’s evaluated in some sort of Zelda only
vacuum it’s easily the worst one. I happened to play this game a few weeks
before it came out because of a magic power I possess called the Internet, and
when the perfect score reviews started rolling out my jaw dropped. Really, what
game were they playing?
The motion controls are certainly the best in any Wii game
I’ve played but that doesn’t mean they don’t completely suck and add nothing to
the game at all. Pretty much every single thing you fight in the game requires
you to swing the Wii-Mote in a certain direction and that almost never seems to
work correctly. You travel to each of the three worlds (only three, I know
right?) by flying on this big stupid bird thing that requires you to flap the
Wii-Mote like an idiot. It not only is completely unnecessary but it also hurts
your arm to do.
Google Images
Seriously, what the fuck is that thing?
I don’t think I really need to describe much of this game to
you because you’ve probably played it before if you’ve played any Zelda ever.
There’s still no voice acting for no apparent reason and the story basically
consists of Link following Zelda around and proving he can fight this stupid
guy that’s kidnapped her. At least this one set up some kind of relationship
between Link and Zelda and didn’t just make you assume you have to save her
because that’s just what you do in these games.
Like I said, even for a Zelda game this is a pretty crappy
game. If you are absolutely in love with Zelda games you will probably love
this game to. It doesn’t take away from the fact that by all the standards that
we should be using to judge videogames at this point in time, it sucks.
Gears of War – One of my good friends convinced me to buy
this along with my Xbox 360 after my freshman year of college. When I turned it
on I didn’t understand the appeal of it and I still don’t understand the appeal
of it. I have to talk about this one because after being so appalled by it I
didn’t bother to buy the sequels assuming they’re more of the same. (I’d be
totally shocked if they weren’t)
The best way to describe this critically acclaimed game is
“grey.” Everything in this game is grey with brown smeared in it. Somehow these
are perceived as some of the best graphics ever known to man but to me, they
were dreadfully depressing. Who wants to run around in this grey world? I’m
from upstate New York, most of my existence has been living in a grey world.
IGN
Is there anything in this picture that's not a combination of grey and brown?
This is another game with super “realistic” graphics that
didn’t impress me at all. I get that it’s post apocalyptic game but really this
style of graphics just caused everything to look the same. I didn’t even know whom
I was supposed to be shooting at half the time, unless I was playing it online.
Gears of War also has to be blamed for every single game
becoming a cover shooter. Hell, even Mass Effect became a cover shooter instead
of an RPG. At least Mass Effect did it well as opposed to Gears of War where
your back is like magnet just seeking out the next half sized wall. Seriously,
in what world are there just perfect cover sized walls just sitting everywhere?
If the zombie apocalypse occurs does that also mean that all our walls are
going to suddenly crumble in half so we can take appropriate cover?
My friends insisted that the multiplayer is the reason to
buy Gears of War though. It had to be because it couldn’t be the testosterone
infused story that I played for about 3 hours before I realized I needed to
slam down 8 Bud Lights to get in the right mental state to play it. I’m
typically pretty good at games like this but not only was I terrible at Gears
of War there was this stupid mechanic that made everyone who wasn’t the host of
the game lag. This caused 1 person on the 4v4 matches to basically just have
super powers because of his greater Internet connection. This was not my idea
of fun and while I don’t really love shooter games, Halo and Call of Duty blow
this out of the water.
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