4 Reasons the Wii U Will Suck

We already know the Wii U will be successful. Nintendo could release a toilet paper roll with a Mario logo on it and millions of people would buy it. Just because something sells like crazy doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck though, and I can assure you that Nintendo’s console coming this fall, will suck. Here are 4 reasons why.

1. The Original Wii Sucked – The Wii is a crappy uninventive idea that was only successful due to proper marketing. Motion controls were dubbed the future of gaming apparently based on a tech demo in which we played boring unimaginative versions of bowling, tennis, boxing, and baseball. Nintendo was heralded as being innovative and edgy despite releasing a console that at it’s best, released modern versions of Duck Hunt, a game released in 1985. I didn’t understand why anyone found that awesome then and I don’t understand why anyone would find it awesome today.

Since being shitty never stopped something from being successful before, the Wii sold through the roof. From a business stand point it may have looked as if Nintendo succeeded in changing videogames, but anyone who’s played videogames for several years damn well knows we’ve all been playing the same games for 20 years now. Motion controls were a gimmick and the Wii never had a game that the system was worth buying for.

The only reason the Wii managed to find such commercial success is because people who don’t like videogames bought it. It was trendy in 2006 and it seemed like it was the next big thing. Douchebags could invite over their friends and they could play a shitty representation of tennis on their television. Nintendo even released the Wii Fit that allowed these douchebags to work out while playing videogames. What is innovative about a board you can step up on to and work out on?

I know Nintendo fans will defend the Wii to the death, but it sucked. I wanted to love the Wii, but the objective truth is that it wasn’t really innovative and had crappy games. Why do I care whether a lot of people bought it or not? It drives me crazy when sales numbers are the only way we evaluate things. People bought Furbys like crazy, does that mean they were awesome too?

2. The Controller – Why is it that Nintendo can’t just give us a normal controller that comes with the system? They really have to package some gimmicky crap with the system then charge you an extra 20 dollars to buy a “classic” controller. The big selling point of the Wii U is that its controller is a tablet. I know, people love tablets so it will probably sell like but the problem is Nintendo has failed to show us any reason why using a tablet to control a game on your television would be any fun at all.

What the hell is this thing?

Just look at this controller, there’s no way this is going to be comfortable to use at all. It’s 10 inches long, has cheap imprecise slider joysticks as opposed to the industry standard analogue sticks, and has buttons on the bottom that are like 6 inches away from where your hands sit. What in the hell is this thing and why am I playing videogames on it? Am I supposed to use a touch screen without looking at it?

I can’t fathom any way this could actually work and after how poorly Nintendo implemented motion control, I can’t imagine this being any better. The Wii motion controllers are still going to work on the Wii U but if motion controls were really the future of gaming we wouldn’t be trying to play on tablets now would we? It just seems like another gimmick from a company that looks like it will try to find any way to sell you the same crap over and over again.

3. Nintendo Games – With the Wii U it’s guaranteed you will see at least one but probably multiple versions of Mario, Super Smash Brothers, Zelda, Kirby, and million different permutations of Mario/Nintendo characters playing sports and mini-games. This is what you have to look forward to and the problem is these games have not changed in what seems like decades now.

I know a lot of people are clamoring to play Zelda with tablet controls but I just don’t know how many times I can play the same game. Videogames are supposed to mix cinema with user input in an artistic experience and I just fail to see how any of these games do that. Would a story about a plumber saving a princess from a dinosaur dragon thing hold up in any other realm of media?

This is what you will be getting and since most Nintendo fans have had their brains replaced with baked potatoes, this will probably work for them. If you are the kind of person who would rather play unique and thought provoking games, I can confidently tell you the Wii U will not be for you.

4. Will it really be worth it? – Nintendo still hasn’t released how much this monstrosity of a system is going to cost. It comes out in the fall so how do we not know how much it’s going to cost yet? I would guess this means it’s going to be a lot and I just don’t know how much I’d be willing to pay to play “New Super Mario Brothers 2.” If it’s 500 dollars I can’t see myself running to the store to buy it and will be puzzled when people do.

There are also the risks you run with adopting anything early. Video game companies don’t like to spend money so you can guarantee if you are someone who is primarily concerned with playing Call of Duty and Madden you will just get a port of the Xbox 360/PS3 versions of those games. What is really the benefit of adopting a console early if it is more expensive and has games that were previously built for other systems?

The Wii U is also based on an older architecture Radeon chip set. Not that you have any idea what I’m talking about but when it comes to gaming graphics, older never equals better. The Wii doesn’t even display anything in HD and is noticeably worse graphically than the Xbox 360 and PS3, so my confidence in Nintendo’s ability to produce the best graphical games is very low. The Wii came out after the Xbox 360 so knowing that Microsoft and Sony have another console planned, probably for 2013, might mean you’re buying soon to be outdated hardware. Considering that we’ve already established that you’ll be getting ports of games built for Xbox 360 and PS3 anyway, you might just be better off waiting for those consoles.

I know that anytime people talk about videogame consoles they want to define someone as a fan boy or a hater. I like videogames but if you consider yourself a Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft “supporter” then you really should re-evaluate why. They see you as a walking dollar sign and you should see them as a provider of entertainment and nothing more than that. You can like videogames without defining yourself as an Xbox guy or a PlayStation guy. These are not companies that need defending nor do they care that you’re defending or representing them.

If you like Nintendo and love Zelda, that’s cool but that does not mean by every objective standard of looking at videogames, they’ve sucked the past few years. If the Wii U ends up being the best thing to ever happen to videogames then fantastic, but it certainly doesn’t look like it will be. Nintendo is a company that is surviving on faux innovation and by milking its storied franchises for all they’re possibly worth.  If that’s something you want to be a part of then buy a Wii U. But I’m warning you now, it’s going to suck.